So, after a good solid amount of time in silence away from my blog, here I am again. Why am I here?
I would like to blame three things:
1) Low-key crying in a spin class– yes, I do realize that this can be a bit embarrassing to admit.
2) Tropical Storm Imelda
3) I believe I am a writer/crafter of words, stories and inspiration. I have a lot more to give. Not sure if it’s just for myself or for the world around me.
Yup. A spin class and a day filled with flooding catalyzed this reaction inside of me to get back to writing. To be honest, it’s been a while since I had tears triggered by a workout, but that shit does happen. That sort of thing used to happen to me years ago, especially in a challenging yoga class.
1) My spin instructor asked the question,“What are you afraid of starting right now?”
I must have been swept away by the difficulty of the class or my overworked mind anticipating a giant storm to come through on Wednesday that never showed up. But deep down inside, this voice inside of me said, “I’ll never be a writer.” Lately, I’ve battled with this feeling of knowing I have something to say, and yet I feel like I have lost my fire, my voice and my talent with words.
For months, I’ve felt flat which is so weird because I know my best self has a story or perhaps tons of stories, experiences and funny things to share. As a yoga teacher and an artist, I am given a platform almost daily to share something powerful, to inspire others and to create conversations.
But as far as my writing, I have felt numb. I use the same words when I teach over and over again. I seemed to obsess over the same dumb fears and complaints in my morning pages. Nothing in my creativity felt dynamic.
And, so out of exhaustion, boredom, and a shit-load of fear, I just started to tear up. Am I always going to be a scared little girl when it comes to my writing, my business, and my life? I started putting my head down, cycling away and sobbing because I got a little sad. I had this realization that I may never fulfill this dream of writing something that makes people look at the world differently.
After spin class, the storm started to pour down heavy. The studios I work for cancelled my meeting and the class I was scheduled to teach. So, I was lucky enough to be able to safely head home and stay home.
Yes, there’s another storm in Houston.
Fortunately, I have lived in places that don’t flood. And, since I’m from Houston, I know the drill. I have to check the hourly forecast and make sure I don’t take streets that are under construction and avoid the areas that flood all the time.
It’s not the storm itself. Yes, I have to be cautious when it comes to rising waters. Be aware of the flooding of a physical home or being stranded on the highway. What I fear is facing the storm inside my mind.
Storms bring up dark and weird and fearful shit for me. I’m usually stuck at home for hours and sometimes days. That feeling of being trapped when I am so used to going out: being at a cafe, walking in a park and out teaching my yoga classes.
Just like when you are stuck at home with the flu. It’s not just the physical experience of being ill that’s awful. Deep down I know my body will get better. It’s the mental challenge of being home alone with my thoughts. Sure there are distractions, but there’s only so much chatting with friends, staring mindlessly at instagram feeds and netflix binge-watching I can handle.
The one driving thought that lit a fire under me during the last major storm event (Hurricane Harvey) was the statement: “I’m not going to die like this.” It was a pretty dark time. I was in the early stages of teaching more classes and creating workshops in the Houston area.
The storm prompted me to move neighborhoods to be closer to my clients. It also inspired me to take two trips. One to Los Angeles to visit one of my sweet and dear friends. And one to book a trip to Mexico City. I also decided to train to run a half marathon.
When I am forced to be still, I am forced to listen to the storms in my head. Nowhere else to go, but to grow.
So, for the next 100 days, I will be writing more because I want to know if writing can transform my life and create the next new wave of productivity in my life.