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day 2: can writing change my life?

I knew that this would be a fairly slow start. The last time I popped open this blog was last week. And maybe that will be my rhythm for now. Showing up to this computer once a week is better than NEVER showing up. And, I’m still committed to this crazy ass goal of writing in this blog for 100 days. It could take a lifetime to accomplish that or it could take three months. Who the hell knows?

I’m here on a leap of faith. I had a fear that I will never become a writer two weeks ago. (And, yes, it was spurned on by being in a spin class and the day of the Tropical Depression Imelda.) Being a writer: It’s a dream that has been deferred for a while. I’m now realizing that faith in myself and in other people and in the universe has everything to do with my relationship with my own fear.I’m scared that what I have to say won’t matter. Or, on the other end of the spectrum, I’m scared that what I say may actually make people angry or give people more ways to criticize and judge me. Or, what I’m sending out in the world won’t even make a difference. (Honestly, this has been spurned on with the constant fear and question: Does anything I do really matter and will I ever be valued for my time, my work or my talent?)

I’ve been trained to speak and share with confidence, but honestly, I feel like the good shit that I think is juicy is to share the scary, weird and random stuff that makes me feel like a perfectly imperfect human. Yet, it’s so uncomfortable and scary to speak up about.

Everything is energy though. I’m changing my fear from inactive numbing to this active tapping of these keys on this laptop.

When I’m in the dark and lost, I need a few basic things to get by:

1) I need a supportive environment: a clean and quiet environment with a big giant cup of coffee. Energetically I need to know that I’m in a place that makes me feel good and will help me feel nourished. Not just the physical space I put myself in but also the

2) Self discipline: I thrive better on structure. Unfortunately, “creative” and “yogi” have a reputation for being irresponsible or flaky. And I feel like I fight each day to unblock that stereotype. So if it’s once a week writing, so be it. I’ll eventually find the pacing and the number of times a week that will work for me.

3) And, ultimately I need faith.
I hate using that word because I feel like believing in people, myself and in the universe is stupid or a cheap trick. It reminds me of those annoying people at the Galleria Mall who try and hustle you to try on their dumb mineral face make-up. Like do you think I’m dumb enough to take the time to listen to your scheme?

I can’t rely on myself only. I have to have faith in myself and in my worth. I must also have faith in possibility. That writing, my career, my family, and the people around me believe in me too.  And, finally, I have to find a way to believe the Universe and in God. That may be the biggest hurdle I may be questioning through this writing process.

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